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New Gospel Discovered?

20 Sep

Peter asked, How can you say not [to] me? My mother gave to me little help, and my wife scouted for me, but I’m the one who picked most of the players!”  The disciples said to Jesus, “Who should get the money from last weekend’s fantasy football game?” “We cannot deny. Mary is worthy of it. She had the most points without any help” Jesus said to them, “My wife, scouted for me? You all know this is not allowed.  Peter, how could you do that? You had your wife cheat.  She will be able to be my disciple, but she can’t help you anymore. Now about the Raiders. Let wicked people swell up as I watch them play on my out of date television. As for me, I dwell with her in order to keep from buying a new overpriced plasma. At least I can still get an image. Go Tebow!”

What is the above text you ask? Its the newly discovered complete manuscript of the document being called “The Gospel of Jesus’ Wife“. The parts in bold italics are page one of what was translated in the report released a few days ago. The report appeared in such reputable media as the New York Times and The Daily Mail. What appears above is the complete version that was discovered today, reported first here!

Ok. Seriously though, you may hear a big deal about this in the media, or it may fizzle, because there has even been some scholars suggesting that its not authentic. But even if it is, let me just offer you a few points we know for CERTAIN.

  1. This thing dates way past the Gospels.
  2. The missing parts are MISSING. We don’t know what they said. It’s speculation.
  3. There is no other ancient document that suggest Jesus was married despite what you may have read in The Da Vinci Code.

Bottom line. This thing is really no big deal.

See this link for more detailed information.

Test everything; hold fast what is good.

UPDATE 9/26/12: It’s a fake!

Happy Opening Day: From a long time ago on another website blog…

4 Apr

You’re probably aware that God loves baseball. After all, he begins his only book with “In the big inning.” But what you’re probably not aware of is that God has a favorite team. Through the use of detailed analysis and Bible code, our team of scholars was able to find out.

Well right off the bat (get it?), we are able to eliminate, for obvious reasons, the Pirates. God simply isn’t going to root for a bunch of drunken, marauding sailors.

Other easy ones included the Diamondbacks, Devil Rays and the Giants. The D’backs, aka “the Snakes” to some local fans, are serpents. Duh, they are actually the favorite team of the other side! Devil Rays, come on, that’s too easy. They’re out. And the Giants, remember David and Goliath? They’re out too.

What about the Brewers? After all, Jesus made water into wine. Yet, when we put it in context that the Bible teaches that drunkenness is a sin, we can nix them.

We ruled out the Tigers and Cubs based on Nahum 2:12-13a “The lion tore enough for his cubs, Killed enough for his lionesses, And filled his lairs with prey And his dens with torn flesh. “Behold, I am against you,” declares the LORD of hosts.” (By the way, its completely ok to do this with Scripture, ask any cultist.)

The White Sox and Red Sox, were a little challenging, but we discovered the answer in Isaiah 20:2 “at that time the LORD spoke through Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, “Go and loosen the sackcloth from your hips and take your shoes off your feet.” And he did so, going naked and barefoot.” Note, that in the Bible, references to feet after shoes have been removed reveals that God’s people wore no socks. Therefore, God certainly would not be rooting for either sox team.

The Twins were another tough one. Paul arrived to Rome on a boat with “Twin Brothers for its figurehead” (Acts 28:11) and Solomon in the Song of Solomon often refers to twins in his complementing. Yet, we dug deeper and realized that Twins just cause trouble (see Jacob and Esau). We eliminated them.

The Mariners were at first a likely candidate for God’s favorite team. Consider Noah and his family and the numerous metaphors of fish and fishermen in the New Testament. Yet, we found this passage in the book of Jonah: “Then the sailors became afraid and every man cried to his god.” (FYI – lower case g means someone other than the Big Man Upstairs)

The Cardinals, Blue Jays are Orioles are not good candidates. God had the Hebrews sacrificing their birds.

We ruled out the A’s, Astros, Braves, Indians, Marlins, Mets, Nationals, Phillies, Rangers, Reds, Rockies, and Royals through complicated Bible code. It is too difficult to explain, and do not try to look into it yourself because you might be deceived. Just make sure to only read our authorized publications and listen to what we tell you.

Oh, and we ruled out the Yankees, well, because everyone who’s not from New York and knows baseball, hates the Yankees.

So you’re thinking the Angels. Ah, but remember, 1/3 of them fell. God is going to throw the rebels into the lake of fire. (see the later chapters of Revelation)

That leaves only two teams, the Padres and the Dodgers, and they’re both in the same division (and realize its no coincidence that they’re in the same division as the Diamondbacks, aka “the Snakes”). The obvious choice of course is the Padres, but take a closer look. The Padres last made it to the world series in 1998. By pouring through our data which allows us (and only us) to foretell the actual date if the Rapture, we discerned the following. Look what happens if we first add 1 + 998. We get 999. And of course you can see what happens when we flip the number. So, we discovered the name “Padres” is really a cleaver disguise, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

So, by process of elimination, we know that the Dodgers are God’s favorite team.

Go Blue!